True Happiness/Misunderstood

~Im back.....back with all kinds of thoughts and emotions that spread across a field long and wide. My last post was in December, and now it's February. I feel now that my inner self craves understanding of who i really am, and who i seek to be in the future. Ok, actually i have been feeling this way for quite a while but have not addressed my true feelings and brought them to the table. I have certainly gone through life with my feelings going up and down as far as what does and does not make sense. I have often thought what the chances would be if my life thus far were to be a dream that i was destined to wake up from, and when i woke up, true happiness awaited me. Now the phrase "true happiness" often floats through my head  because it carries so much mystery behind it. It is now my ultimate goal in life. Yes i said it my ultimate goal. Aside from that, having a soulmate to share that true happiness with, would fit in next to my ultimate goal. This baffles me though, because i have come to the realization more and more everyday how misunderstood i am and how the workings of who i really am rarely shine past my outer beauty, and how are you ever to be understood if people can't see through what you look like on the outside. I definitely feel its a curse. OUTER BEAUTY IS A CURSE to anyone who simply just wants to be understood. My parents have a major impact on my life and know me better than anyone, but not even they really understand Maya Milana Holt, which often makes me question my own understanding for myself. Growing up in an upper middle class environment and with educated parents who provided practically everything i wanted to a certain extent would come across to the average as a happy childhood. But my parents marriage spoke otherwise. On the outside, to the world we were what some would die to have, but the dysfunctionalism(made up word) spoke for itself, and spoke loud, so that when i was old enough, i realize that money can NOT ensure happiness. I feel nothing can ensure it, but somethings can lead to it.....like being a good person, having faith, being yourself, just to name a few. Now to me there is  definitely two kinds of happiness. True happiness and Superficial happiness. True happiness being attained when it's your time to deserve it and Superficial happiness being all the things money can buy. So since i first hand no that money does't buy True Happiness, i think im going to stick with doing what i need to do to deserve it......when the time is right you will know and feel it...since my time hasn't come for me to reach that point in life yet....i imagine it's the best feeling in the world!!!!!

Poetry and Art

POETRY: the art of rhythmical composition, written or spoken, for exciting pleasure by beautiful, imaginative, or elevated thoughts.

ART: the quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance.

tick....tock

tick tock....the clock is ticking...it seems like just yesterday i was a freshman in college thinking i knew what it was i wanted to do with my life....now im a senior and im am now more of a lost soul than i ever was. Im still trying to find my purpose and my place in this world that will leave me being happy and useful. Readers.....is your clock ticking too....or have you always known what you want to do...?

LGBT

i will never understand the reservations people have with LGBT(lesbians, gays,bisexuals and transgenders)!!! Some say that you are born that way and others say that you are conformed or persuaded by who you are around. Some people even believe its the work of the devil. Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion but some just dont seem to be legit! In some form its like a form of racism. Love is the single most important thing in this world and if someone falls in love with someone of the same sex...it should be the same as if someone was falling in love with the opposite sex!

Confusion

Grow up, go to college, get an internship, get a job, get married, raise a family.......being raised with the mentality that this is how your life should go can confuse someone. What if its not meant for someone to do one of these things. Parents usually have a heavy influence on how their children choose a path, but not in all cases. Parents can brainwash you into doing what they want you to do for their own selfish wants. But then wanting to make your parents proud can make you do things that you really dont want to do. So what do we do? Go with what you know will make your parents proud, or do what you really want to do and in the back of your mind know that it will upset them. If they really love you they will be happy with what ever makes you happy right...isn't that how it should be?

Lost in my mind

im lost in my mind.....an ocean full of thoughts...sleeping seems the only way to be released from this state....how do i get found....i need answers? When people choose a path for their lives do you follow it or stray from it? Whats the answer to that question? I often wonder what the percentage is for people who make a plan about how their life should go and then follow that plan....is it meant for us to even have a plan or just live life day to day with out not even an inkling of an an idea how it may turn out. I once had a plan and a dream and when it didnt turn out the way i had planned i was left out in the cold alone. So from then on i wondered how others in the world act in the same setting. Does God have a plan for each individual or does each individual have a plan for themselves. This i dont know and i dont know if anyone knows. So in the mean time im lost in my mind trying to figure out my place. A place to belong that feels right and comfortable. With the world evolving daily how do you succumb to the pressures of society and the norm of how things should be....hows should things be?

One Dimensional

being consumed of a lifetime dedication to one thing....then to have it ripped from you...DO NOT be one dimensional towards anything in life or confusion will run all up and through your interior and exterior because of the decision you made to focus on just that one thing...now in this day and age life is set up for you to do or be anything...to try lots and lots and to especially not be limited to one thing...because when that one thing does not work out...your left stranded in a world of everything that could have been when really what could have been is everything in this world.....


....i focused on one thing my whole life...then it ended that one night i decided to call it quits...i was then lost... too lost...wishing i had then tried so many other things... i regret being so one dimensional...my lesson has been learned....yours should be too... now!