Her

I had a crush on her for a while
Ive never really been good at expressing myself
but when I looked at her i just felt warm inside
anyways, we hung out everyday for almost a whole month
everyday before we would depart I would look at her and want to kiss her
but I was scared
i was hoping she would make a move but she wouldnt
maybe she didnt feel the same about me
that one night she stuck out her hand as if for me to hold it
so I did
she initiated us holding hands...maybe she does feel the same way I feel
but I wanted a kiss
time flew by and by , before I knew it it was my last night
the night before I was to leave
I figure if no ones makes a move tonight then the feelings can't be mutual
We are sitting in the car getting high
the thoughts going across my mind are how badly I wanted her
something inside of me sparks
I look at her and kiss her
She kisses me back and as our tongues met I was overcome with passion
We stopped kissing and she looked at me and says "that was amazing"
....I smile
She then caresses my breast
We continue to rub, touch, kiss etc.
All the while a waterfall of wondrous thoughts are racing in and out of my head
Excitement riddles through my body
This first time experience is turning out to be breathtaking, until I think about the next day
The day I am to leave =(
After our adventurous encounter all I want to do is hold her and continue what we started

The next day im on a plane...tears fill my eyes
I missed her so much already
If I would have stayed...what would have been

I think I fell in lust with her~

Your Essence vs Mine

Alone inside of a head with thoughts and decisions

Feeling like a feeling that feels nothing and everything at the same time

Bluffing on reactions of questions being asked, answers being told, and confusion being dismayed

Listening to the nonsense of reality and putting it together with a conclusion

The conclusion being to settle......but for what though?

An essence that can not be altered or ruined

Just stop trying to comprehend their way and take it all in, into a realm of your understanding

Your understanding may not be mine, his or hers but it is of someones

The fixed essence that can not be altered is going to arise from a place of Paradigm

This paradigm produces distinct concepts and thought patterns

Use it

Voice Within

Having a voice is more important than you will ever know! If you don't speak up, then you might as well be dormant in a world of non- existence. Having a voice, an opinion, an idea, a focus...whatever you want to call it, comes across to those who are listening....and trust me there are more people listening then you will ever anticipate or believe. By voicing what it is that needs to be heard, you are allowing the world to retain even the smallest part of you, if not the largest. I quote Maya Angelou by saying "Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning." So in retrospect your voice alone holds more importance than  if you were to write them down, because there are expressions behind it...there are no expressions when you write...just words...even i know that and writing is my nitch. I hold to my self the belief that "writing allows the words you cant say to be spoken" BUT at the end of the day, that comes second to having a voice. SPEAK OUT PEOPLE....even if you think no one is listening...there is always someone that is...always. 

True Happiness/Misunderstood

~Im back.....back with all kinds of thoughts and emotions that spread across a field long and wide. My last post was in December, and now it's February. I feel now that my inner self craves understanding of who i really am, and who i seek to be in the future. Ok, actually i have been feeling this way for quite a while but have not addressed my true feelings and brought them to the table. I have certainly gone through life with my feelings going up and down as far as what does and does not make sense. I have often thought what the chances would be if my life thus far were to be a dream that i was destined to wake up from, and when i woke up, true happiness awaited me. Now the phrase "true happiness" often floats through my head  because it carries so much mystery behind it. It is now my ultimate goal in life. Yes i said it my ultimate goal. Aside from that, having a soulmate to share that true happiness with, would fit in next to my ultimate goal. This baffles me though, because i have come to the realization more and more everyday how misunderstood i am and how the workings of who i really am rarely shine past my outer beauty, and how are you ever to be understood if people can't see through what you look like on the outside. I definitely feel its a curse. OUTER BEAUTY IS A CURSE to anyone who simply just wants to be understood. My parents have a major impact on my life and know me better than anyone, but not even they really understand Maya Milana Holt, which often makes me question my own understanding for myself. Growing up in an upper middle class environment and with educated parents who provided practically everything i wanted to a certain extent would come across to the average as a happy childhood. But my parents marriage spoke otherwise. On the outside, to the world we were what some would die to have, but the dysfunctionalism(made up word) spoke for itself, and spoke loud, so that when i was old enough, i realize that money can NOT ensure happiness. I feel nothing can ensure it, but somethings can lead to it.....like being a good person, having faith, being yourself, just to name a few. Now to me there is  definitely two kinds of happiness. True happiness and Superficial happiness. True happiness being attained when it's your time to deserve it and Superficial happiness being all the things money can buy. So since i first hand no that money does't buy True Happiness, i think im going to stick with doing what i need to do to deserve it......when the time is right you will know and feel it...since my time hasn't come for me to reach that point in life yet....i imagine it's the best feeling in the world!!!!!

Poetry and Art

POETRY: the art of rhythmical composition, written or spoken, for exciting pleasure by beautiful, imaginative, or elevated thoughts.

ART: the quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance.

tick....tock

tick tock....the clock is ticking...it seems like just yesterday i was a freshman in college thinking i knew what it was i wanted to do with my life....now im a senior and im am now more of a lost soul than i ever was. Im still trying to find my purpose and my place in this world that will leave me being happy and useful. Readers.....is your clock ticking too....or have you always known what you want to do...?

LGBT

i will never understand the reservations people have with LGBT(lesbians, gays,bisexuals and transgenders)!!! Some say that you are born that way and others say that you are conformed or persuaded by who you are around. Some people even believe its the work of the devil. Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion but some just dont seem to be legit! In some form its like a form of racism. Love is the single most important thing in this world and if someone falls in love with someone of the same sex...it should be the same as if someone was falling in love with the opposite sex!