True Happiness/Misunderstood

~Im back.....back with all kinds of thoughts and emotions that spread across a field long and wide. My last post was in December, and now it's February. I feel now that my inner self craves understanding of who i really am, and who i seek to be in the future. Ok, actually i have been feeling this way for quite a while but have not addressed my true feelings and brought them to the table. I have certainly gone through life with my feelings going up and down as far as what does and does not make sense. I have often thought what the chances would be if my life thus far were to be a dream that i was destined to wake up from, and when i woke up, true happiness awaited me. Now the phrase "true happiness" often floats through my head  because it carries so much mystery behind it. It is now my ultimate goal in life. Yes i said it my ultimate goal. Aside from that, having a soulmate to share that true happiness with, would fit in next to my ultimate goal. This baffles me though, because i have come to the realization more and more everyday how misunderstood i am and how the workings of who i really am rarely shine past my outer beauty, and how are you ever to be understood if people can't see through what you look like on the outside. I definitely feel its a curse. OUTER BEAUTY IS A CURSE to anyone who simply just wants to be understood. My parents have a major impact on my life and know me better than anyone, but not even they really understand Maya Milana Holt, which often makes me question my own understanding for myself. Growing up in an upper middle class environment and with educated parents who provided practically everything i wanted to a certain extent would come across to the average as a happy childhood. But my parents marriage spoke otherwise. On the outside, to the world we were what some would die to have, but the dysfunctionalism(made up word) spoke for itself, and spoke loud, so that when i was old enough, i realize that money can NOT ensure happiness. I feel nothing can ensure it, but somethings can lead to it.....like being a good person, having faith, being yourself, just to name a few. Now to me there is  definitely two kinds of happiness. True happiness and Superficial happiness. True happiness being attained when it's your time to deserve it and Superficial happiness being all the things money can buy. So since i first hand no that money does't buy True Happiness, i think im going to stick with doing what i need to do to deserve it......when the time is right you will know and feel it...since my time hasn't come for me to reach that point in life yet....i imagine it's the best feeling in the world!!!!!